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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in Add Me Depressed's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
9:37 am
Current problems...venting
My husband and I are buying a house; actually I should say he is. Since I'm not working it's his name on the mortgage. I hate not working, I've been unemployed for over a year and it's killing me. I contribute nothing financially to our relationship. Granted I cook, clean and do all the bills and budgeting. For me thought it's not enough. He works 100 hours a week to keep us living the way we do and to be able to buy this house. Is it the right time? No one knows. When will I get a job? Again, no one knows. I feel like shit, I feel like such a loser, what am I good for? Nothing apparently...I've gone on tons of interviews but nothing...I'm smart (graduated with a 3.97) a hard worker and very pleasant to be around as well as work with. What is wrong with me that they see and I don't?

The words I hold back, the feelings I never release and the memories in my brain are caustic, they are burning me from the inside out. How do you express yourself when there are no words to describe the feelings? How do you begin a conversation like that when you always have the facade of the joker, the easygoing fun girl? No one knows the deep darkness I feel, the soul stealing pain and guilt, and the thoughts that I am evil at my very core.

In January of 2006 I started a waitressing job. A few weeks into this new gig I met a bartender who also worked there and was actually an old friend of my brother. Instantly I had a crush on him. He had asked me to be in a 3-some with him and his girlfriend of 10 years, I said maybe in the flirty voice I always used with him but had no intention of doing it. Slowly we became friends at work, then once we began hanging out at his apartment it got bad. He got me into drugs, and I say he lied and manipulated me but now I feel he did lie and manipulate me but I also kind of knew at the time that they may not have been broken up. We slept together while he told me how horrible she was and how amazing I was. He wanted to be with me but things with her were complicated. We'd work together on Saturday mornings, just me waitressing and him bartending, we'd flirt outrageously. In the kitchen and the employee smoke room we'd play tickle games and be very touchy feely, when no one was looking we'd make out and I'd be on top of him. One day I received a call from her and she threatened me. Of course I promised to never talk to or see him again, for weeks I waited for him to contact me. When he finally did we slept together again and to my knowledge we were dating, apparently I wasn't the only one who thought they were dating this scum bag. His ex-girlfriend and her sister threatened me numerous times and even came to my work to wait for me to leave; thankfully the manager walked me to my car. He was 30 and I was young, 19 and now 6 years later I think about the situation constantly. I know his ex-girlfriend lost weight went back to school and is totally happy without him but I still feel crippled by guilt. I'm angry and hurt to this day even after being married for 3 years; I feel all-consuming guilt and self-hatred for what I did. While he was the major wrong doer I still feel like it was my fault I was no angel but I feel I place too much blame on myself. No one really knows the specifics, just that 2006 was 'my bad year' he got me into drugs, lied to me, broke my heart and almost got me beaten to death on a few separate occasions. When I told him I thought I was pregnant that is when at work the rumors started. They said I was a slut, I had an abortion, and I was lying to him about the maybe baby being his and eventually got fired due to the drama. For years and even sometimes now I'm scared to go places in case I may see someone he knows or even him. I fear I will never let this go. I feel angry, sad, hurt, guilty and scared somehow it will come back and ruin the beautiful life I have with my husband, who knows everything and as much as he hates him for what he did he doesn't feel any of it was my fault. I hold on to the regret so tightly and hate myself more than his girlfriend probably did at the time. We had email contact and she said she didn't blame me, I wasn't the only one but she took all her anger and pain out on me because I was the one she could do it to. I hate him, I hate myself, I can't let go. I feel evil, I feel dirty and forever will have this painful regret and guilt.
Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012
2:49 am
Greetings everyone. It's now 2012
Hello everyone! Just a reminder.........we're still here. :) It's a new year. Lets try to be more active than the last. Feel free to post, make comments and suggestions in the appropriate posts. Tell your friends and invite them to the comm. A community is only as active or dead as the members make it.

Take care everyone and thank you for being apart of this community.

Friday, June 23rd, 2006
8:03 pm
I don't know what I need
Name: Rosette
Where From: Philly area
Interest: listening to music, reading, writing

My Problem: I can't stop drinking and I have bad mood swings.

Plz help.
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
8:24 am
I've just gone through a buddy sweep cause there were too many whiny kids filling up my friends page. I'm a 21 year old man, in Maryland and I attend school at Montgomery College. Please don't add me if you're looking for any type of sex, although flirting is more than ok ;) Comment on this post or on my journal.
Monday, January 31st, 2005
8:45 pm
on sharing with others...
has anyone else wondered about how much to share with others? it sort of bores me to keep things on a small talk level, but it hasn't been the best couple of years. my depression is natural and situational. if i go into it, there's mental illness, cancer -- my brother dying, lack of a real job, no car, being fired from my last "real" job. these are things i feel i have every right to be at least thoughtful about, let alone downright angry and depressed about them. but i fall mute with others at times or else say too much too soon.

i'm always happy to listen to others. i know it can be hard, but i KNOW i've been more compassionate to some others than they have been to me when THEY were feeling down. i know: i have a couple of friends who are there no matter what. but how much do you lay on people?

just curious as to your thoughts.


Current Mood: curious
Thursday, January 27th, 2005
8:31 am
updated user info
Can't find anyone that relates to you or your depression? Tired of putting personal post in depression communites because your regular LJ friends just don't understand? Well, join this community and find people that can relate to you.

Just tell us a little bit about yourself in an intro post. Include your name, where you're from, interest, what you write about, what you're looking for, and things like that. All pictures must be under an LJ Cut. If you don't know how to do this, don't post pictures.

This is an add me community so don't post things like poetry or other ads for communities. Thank You.
Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
11:34 am
gone through a buddy sweep. must recruit fresh blood. you'll probably make the cut, if you dare to take it!1

AIM:Matram Cautham

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